在小小的房間說恩典的故事

From Angel's Nest School Pictures

從很小的時候﹐

我就知道我遲早會死﹐

而且死神這位人士﹐

常常來得無聲無息。

初中開始﹐我就常常思想人生的意義﹐

為什麼要來這一趟﹖

為什麼人生的意義是﹕創造宇宙繼起之生命﹖

宇宙繼起之生命跟我有什麼關係﹖

我為什麼要為那些生命勞碌辛苦﹖

(不是我說﹐蔣公大人﹐您這位基督徒有點失敗...)

死﹐就是這樣時時刻刻的在我腦海裡。

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好﹐前言有點長...

這幾個禮拜一直生病﹐

前幾天雙手腫脹難受﹐

一度令我覺得搞不好是什麼癌症!

想到可能會死﹐

心裡反而覺得很輕鬆﹐

因為知道自己要去的地方是好得無比的。

但轉念一想﹐

小小中中爹一直覺得我這種“隨時帶我走都ok”的心裡很變態﹐

搞不好會對兩小講出“媽媽一直想死不願盡照顧你們責任”的話﹐

所以覺得還是自己寫下來給兩小﹐

就是我的遺言﹐

即使神還要我活個五六十年!

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Dear Noelle and Gabriel,

If you are reading this, chances are I’m not with you anymore. I hope the passing of me isn’t too hard to bear, even though I know it would be for me if one of you ever were to go. You should be happy for mommy because mommy is with Jesus now. Heaven is where mommy is, and I’m waiting for (much later) you to join me.

I want you to know that even though mommy had no fear of dying, I did not go without much hesitation. I wanted to stay and grow old with you. I wanted to watch you do sports, run and laugh, make new friends, go lots of places, and hopefully, dedicate your lives to Jesus. Eventually I’d hoped to see you get married and have children of your own, so I do apologize for not being able to be there with you. I had hoped that God would keep me until I can see you, Noelle, walk down the isle, and I could fluff your dress for you. I had hoped that God would let me be a great mother-in-law for you, Gabriel, for my mother-in-law, your Ning Ning, was such a great example. I had hoped to help raise your babies—you know how much I love babies. I wanted to make sure that you grow up knowing your responsibilities and the meaning of your lives, and I prayed that God would grant me the wisdom and patience (you know I’m short a lot of times) for me to be His great tool to teach you.

You see, there were so many things I’ve yet to do with you, so I could not have gone without resistance. However, I know you’re in good hands. I know even though I’m your mother, I don’t control your destiny. In fact, there’re very limited things I could control as a human being. If God thinks you’re better off without me, even though probably none would see it that way now, I know you really are! Daddy loves you very much, even though he shows his love very differently. I hope you would respect and take care of him when you’re capable. You are loved, by so many people, including me, beyond your imagination. Don’t let anyone tells you otherwise.

I’ll be patiently waiting for you to join me in heaven.

Yours,

Mama

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我很好﹐什麼事也沒有﹐

心情也還ok﹐請不用擔心。

請恕我就不翻譯了﹐

反正真正要看的人應該是看不懂中文的...

這份遺言大概會隔幾年update一下﹐

不過那是幾年後的事囉!